Caught With Hands In The Taxpayer's Cookie Jar: Democrats Decry DOGE's Discovery
Circumcision Programs in Africa? 'Gender-Equitable' Soap Operas in Serbia?
For years, the Democratic Party has perfected the art of throwing taxpayer dollars into the abyss while smiling warmly and assuring us that it’s all for the greater good. Need $50 million to research the mating habits of transgender sea cucumbers?
Done.
Want $200 million to build a bridge to nowhere, complete with an official ribbon-cutting ceremony featuring a celebrity who has never actually crossed a bridge unaided?
You got it.
But now, thanks to the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), the same people who have championed reckless government spending are suddenly very, very concerned about where the money is going.
How quaint.
DOGE, the plucky little agency with the audacity to ask, "Hey, where did all our money go?" has sent shockwaves through Washington by simply auditing government expenditures. You’d think they were running secret tribunals based on the pearl-clutching hysteria from Democratic leadership.
"How dare they question these expenses?" cries a senator who just last year authorized funding for an educational TikTok campaign encouraging children to identify as houseplants. "This is an attack on the vital programs that keep America strong!"
Of course, by "vital programs," they mean sweetheart contracts for their donors, billion-dollar welfare fraud schemes, and lavish "fact-finding" trips to Paris to investigate the feasibility of universal baguette distribution.
Here’s some of some of the most absurd projects USAID has funded in recent history with more recent examples to follow:
Filipino Karaoke Research – USAID funded a study on whether karaoke could improve family planning outcomes in the Philippines. Because nothing says “responsible reproduction” like belting out Whitney Houston. (Source: OpenTheBooks)
Egyptian Artisanal Cheese Production – Millions were allocated to helping Egyptian cheesemakers refine their craft, because American tax dollars should absolutely subsidize better gouda overseas. (Source: FreeBeacon)
Promoting 'Gender-Equitable' Soap Operas in Serbia – USAID spent millions producing a Serbian soap opera to promote progressive gender norms. So while Americans struggle with inflation, taxpayers are funding Balkan melodrama. (Source: Judicial Watch)
Training Mongolian Herders to Use Social Media – USAID reportedly spent $2.5 million to teach Mongolian yak herders how to tweet. Because if your nomadic lifestyle doesn’t include a robust TikTok strategy, are you even relevant? (Source: OpenTheBooks)
Funding Circumcision Programs in Africa for HIV Prevention – While medically justifiable, the absurdity lies in billions spent encouraging adult African males to undergo circumcision to lower HIV rates—turning into a PR nightmare. (Source: GAO)
Teaching Tanzanian Children How to Properly Wash Their Hands – Millions have been allocated to handwashing initiatives in Tanzania, despite the fact that soap and water have existed for centuries. (Source: FreeBeacon)
Studying How to Make Colombian People Feel Better About Their Traffic Jams – USAID analyzed the psychology of Colombian commuters stuck in traffic instead of, you know, actually improving roads. (Source: Fox News)
Funding Climate Change-Friendly Comic Books in Bangladesh – USAID backed a project to create and distribute comic books teaching Bangladeshi youth about climate change. Because when sea levels rise, at least they'll have illustrated entertainment. (Source: Reason Magazine)
Helping Moroccan Government Train People to Become Professional Butlers – USAID helped fund butler training programs in Morocco, because nothing screams economic development like taxpayer-funded Downton Abbey reenactments. (Source: Judicial Watch)
Guatemala's Anti-Gang Rap Music Campaign – USAID spent money funding anti-gang rap music in Guatemala, apparently believing crime lords would reconsider their lifestyle choices after hearing some catchy beats about peace. (Source: Forbes)
For too long, we were told that questioning government spending was mean-spirited and even racist. But now, in a stunning plot twist, Democrats are suddenly positioning themselves as defenders of fiscal responsibility—because it’s their own pet projects under the microscope.
It’s truly an Oscar-worthy performance.
The same people who waved off trillion-dollar deficits as a “necessary investment in our future” are now claiming that DOGE’s oversight threatens democracy itself.
Of course, we all know what’s really going on here. DOGE isn’t just exposing waste; it’s ruining the grift. The Congressional “emergency” fund that miraculously always finds money for gender-neutral urinals in the National Parks but somehow runs dry when it comes to border security?
Exposed.
The $500,000 spent on “cultural sensitivity training” for IRS agents who spend their days squeezing the middle class for every last cent?
Out in the open.
The lavish grant given to study the effects of climate change on emojis?
Busted.
In a last-ditch effort to stop DOGE, Democrats have turned to their most trusted weapon: melodrama. "This is an unprecedented attack on the soul of America!" they cry, clutching their pearls so hard it’s a wonder they don’t shatter. "If we allow this rogue agency to simply audit our spending, then what’s next? Transparency? Accountability? Are we even a democracy anymore?"
Meanwhile, average Americans, who have spent the last decade getting lectured about how it’s their "patriotic duty" to surrender more of their hard-earned paychecks to the state, are watching this spectacle unfold with a mixture of amusement and rage. Turns out, when you force the government to answer the very questions it demands that citizens comply with every April 15th, things get awkward fast.
But fear not, dear reader. If history has taught us anything, it’s that the Washington establishment is remarkably adept at self-preservation. A few backroom deals, a handful of media spin cycles, and before you know it, DOGE will be rebranded as a "problematic and outdated" institution that must be dismantled for the sake of progress.
The same people who screamed about government overreach when their pandemic paycheck hit a day late will be leading the charge to dismantle the only agency asking where the other $6 trillion went.
In the meantime, let’s all enjoy the show. It’s not every day that the party of endless spending pretends to care about balancing a budget — especially when the only reason they care is that someone finally had the gall to check the receipts.